Before and After
by Kduvable
Summary: There are certain moments in our lives that define us. When we look back there is only 'before' and 'after', because it is a moment that leaves our world and how we exist in it forever changed. Rated M for language and violence.


It has been a long time since I've stretched my writing muscles. This is going to be a multiple chapter story, jumping back and forth in time with each chapter. This story follows the idea that there are certain moments in our lives that define us. When we look back there is only 'before' and 'after', because it is a moment that leaves our world and how we exist in it forever changed. I hope you enjoy this first chapter and the subsequent chapters to follow.

 **The Moment**

All Raphael can hear is his heartbeat thundering in his ears as he forces his way through the pulsating mass of bodies. Hands reach out, grabbing and tearing at his limbs, but the rain creates a thin film on his skin allowing him to slip out of their grasp easily. He is only diverted from his desperate task by the occasional blade thrusting forward, but he swiftly deflects their sharp edges with a strength fueled by adrenaline and desperation.

 _Faster, faster, come on dammit MOVE!_

Raph's thoughts become a desperate mantra as he dances around Foot soldiers. Rain drips into his eyes blurring his already tunneled vision, blinking furiously he loses sight of his target but doesn't change course. A punch across his jaw startles him from his pursuit and knocks him slightly off course, shaking his head he tries to focus. His thoughts swirl around where he last saw his brother, the image will probably be burned into his skull for the rest of his life. _Green, wet skin stretched over stressed muscles as hands claw at shining steel, contrasted against the color of rusty red brick_. A flash of lightning brought him out of his thoughts and he glanced over to the brick wall only yards ahead of him. He sprints forward.

 _Come on, come on… THERE!_

It only takes a few seconds to reach his destination, but to Raph it feels like an eternity before he's sliding on the slick concrete to kneel in front of his brother. Leonardo is slumped on the ground, a long streak of red smeared down the brick wall directly behind him. His eyes are glazed, and Raphael immediately becomes aware of the overwhelming stench of blood cutting through the air. He spits, trying to get rid of the taste of copper invading his mouth. Looking around quickly to reassure himself that his brother's attacker was gone, Raph then reached out to cradle the back of Leo's head trying to get him to focus.

"Hey fearless I'm right here, just need you to focus for me so we can get you outta here." Leonardo's eyes start to close, Raph tightens his grip trying to keep his brother's head from falling forward. "NO! No, no, no, no, keep your eyes open… come on fearless, look at me… Leo please, I need you to look at me. LEONARDO! Look. At. Me." Raphael tries tries not to panic when Leo's stormy blue eyes suddenly shoot open and roll around in his head before settling squarely on Raph's intense green. The red clad turtle runs his tongue over his lips, catching the watered-down sweat dripping off his beak as he exhales a sharp breath of relief. He can hear his other brothers behind him trying to keep their adversaries at bay as Raph tries to assess Leo's condition.

"Shit…"

 _I really need Donnie to be doing this…_

Raph looks up to call to his brother but realizes he's too far away, leaving Raph as the only option. Raphael curses under his breath again as he returns his attention back to his injured leader…his brother. All he can see is blood. Blood seeping down from Leo's mouth and rolling down his chin. Blood splashed across his chest in an assortment of crisscross patterns and drips. Blood oozing down his left side from three huge gashes ripped into his upper left plastron. His neck seems swollen and his throat is a mottled mess of blues and purples. That's when Raph hears it for the first time, barely audible over the sound of the rain and clashing steel. Leo's breathing sounds like he's sucking through a straw, it sounds wet…

 _should breathing sound wet_?

Raph lets out another frustrated growl and turns his eyes away from my his wounded brother and again looks for Donatello. He spots him across the roof just as the genius turtle sends a worried glance towards his injured brother. Donnie startles slightly when he realizes Raph's attention is on him instead of Leo. The purple clad turtle calls out over his shoulder, but Raph can't quite make out the words through the constant drumming of the rain as it picks up in intensity. As if he can read Raph's mind, Don slams his bo staff into the gut of his opponent buying him enough time to flash a few hand signals.

 _Get him home._

Raph wants to object, not feeling comfortable with the idea of leaving. Plus the thought of the lecture he'd get from Fearless later, about abandoning their two younger brothers in the middle of a fight, didn't sound too appealing. Leo lets out a gurgled grunt as if he was trying to speak and all Raph's hesitations disappears.

 _What's another lecture anyway…_

"Ok Leo, we gotta go." Raph cradles his brother in his arms as he stands, taking one last look at Mikey and Don to reassure himself that he wasn't making a mistake. Most of the Foot soldiers had dispersed or were scattered across the rooftop in various states of injured or dead.

 _Probably left with that son of bitch…_

His thoughts grew dark until a sharp voice rose above the jumbled sounds of battle.

"Raph! Get him out of here, NOW!"

Mikey then turned to kick another Foot soldier, grunting at the effort. His foot landed right below the fighter's ear and the ninja crumpled to the ground like a discarded rag doll. Satisfied that they could finish this on their own, Raph wasted no more time and sprinted off in the direction of home. His tired muscles protested at his brother's full weight in his arms, but he ignored them, pushing his legs to go faster. Raphael tried to concentrate on his breathing, blocking out the sounds of Leo's struggling breaths and grunts of pain. Stay focused. He huffed out a bitter laugh as he heard his brother's voice echo in his head.

 _Stay focused Raphael. Don't let your emotions distract you, Raphael. Your rage has no place in the field, Raphael. Focus. Focus. Focus!_

He glanced down at Leonardo's face, his eyes screwed shut tight with pain. His mouth was twisted into a grimace, red bubbles bursting in between his teeth as he struggled to breathe. Raphael's foot came down harder than he intended, and his pulse spiked as the slick surface caused him to hydroplane briefly before regaining his balance.

 _Focus you fucking idiot_ …

He had only been running for a few moments when Raph heard something behind him, he strained to listen more closely, never breaking his stride. After a beat he instantly knew someone was following him, and it wasn't his brothers. It was definitely Foot soldiers, a few must have slipped past Donnie and Mike. There were four based on the footsteps splashing in the puddles behind him, and they were closing the gap. Raph's speed and agility were hindered by the weight of his brother in his arms. Raph runs all the scenarios in his head only to realize there is no way he can out run them, and he can't risk them following him back to the lair.

 _But what about…_

He looks down at Leo expecting him to be unconscious only to see his stormy eyes locked onto his face with such intensity it surprises Raph and he almost loses his footing again. Leonardo opens his mouth, but nothing comes out but a raspy breath that is quickly replaced by a wet hacking sound. It takes him a moment to recover but as soon as he does he once again locks onto Raph's eyes then quickly glances behind them.

 _Ah, he's heard them too, leave it to Fearless Leader to still be aware of his surroundings even while bleeding to death._

Raphael shakes that last thought from his mind, horrified it even entered his brain in the first place.

 _He's not dying. He's gonna be ok_.

Fearless is ALWAYS ok.

Another hacking gurgle from the injured turtle snaps Raphael back to the task at hand, he needed to find somewhere safe to hide Leo so he could handle the Foot issue. Raph adjusts his course and takes a sharp right towards another cluster of buildings, spotting a large gravel- lined rooftop with a small group of maintenance sheds. He lands hard and slips a little on the gravel but inevitably keeps his balance and forward momentum. Raph quickly ducks behind one of the larger sheds and gently places his brother down on his shell, careful not to jostle his injuries.

"I'll be back Fearless, just sit tight… and stay awake."

Leo just stares at him, something in his eyes startles Raph as his brother looks him up and down, but then the blue- banded turtle blinks slowly in understanding. Raph doesn't have too much time to dwell on the moment as he hears the distinct crunch of feet landing on gravel, signaling that their tails have finally caught up to them. With one last reassuring look at his injured brother Raph slips around the corner, both of his sais at the ready. The four Foot soldiers don't waste anytime charging him as he comes around the corner, hoping to overtake the single turtle with their numbers.

Raph flashes a toothy grin before darting forward, quickly dodging a sloppy punch. Using the Foot soldier's momentum he forcibly brings up his knee to connect with the ninjas gut. The man folds over Raphael's leg, stunned from the forcible exodus of air from his lungs, and the turtle slings his leg forward launching the ninja into one of his compatriots. One of the remaining Foot soldiers thrust a tanto blade towards Raphael's throat only to have the blade deflected by a sais. The ninja's eyes grew wide with surprise as a green foot slammed into his chest, sending him flying off the side of the roof. The final ninja stood a few yards from Raphael and the turtle could sense the man's hesitation. His grin twisted upward as he stepped forward, twirling both his sais effortlessly.

Unsurprisingly the fight is quick and Raph almost feels disappointed at how easy it was to take down his opponents… almost.

"Heh, just don't make 'em like they use tah." Raph looks down as he slides his sais back into his belt and freezes. Blood is slowly running down his leg in pink turrets as the rain slowly washes the large red stain from his lower torso.

 _Wha…? Was I hit?_

He scans himself for injury, reviewing the fight in his head trying to figure out when he could have possibly taken a hit that would result in this kind of blood loss…

The realization hits him like ton of bricks.

 _It's not my blood…_

He sprints towards the sheds where he left his brother, his heart threatening to break through his chest plate.

 _That look in his eyes… he saw all that blood, HIS blood. Dammit Fearless you better have stayed awake or I'm gonna…_

His thoughts come to an abrupt halt as he rounds the corner and his brother's prone body comes into sight. There's so much blood. He's lying so still and his eyes are closed. With the blur of the rain Raph can't see clearly if his chest is moving. Berating himself for wasting time just gawking Raphael shakes away the dread rising in his chest, willing his legs to move closer to his brother. Raph falls to his knees and reaches to pick his brother up, but Leo opens his eyes and weakly pushes at Raphael's hand, all the while shaking his head 'no'. His moment of relief that his brother was still conscious is quickly replaced with frustration and Raphael lets out an annoyed grunt. Again he and reaches for Leo, and again he is met with the same resistance.

"Stop it Leo… we gotta get you outta here. I'm sure Mikey and Donnie are on their way back to the lair, Don will patch you up and…and…"

Raphael's voice gets caught in his throat as Leo just stares at him. The injured turtle lifts a shaky hand, placing it above his wound on his chest over his heart. Slowly removing the blood covered appendage, he reaches for Raphael, settling his hand over the red banded turtle's own chest, over his heart. Raph reaches for his brother's hand, lifting his confused eyes to his brother's resolute ones. Green lightning meets a blue storm and something inside him snaps.

" You… selfish BASTARD!"bastard,

Raphael pushes Leonardo's hand away from his chest, punctuating his words with seething clarity.

"Y-you don't get to give up! How many times have you lectured us on never giving up, huh?! How many times have we had to listen to your self-righteous ramblings about perseverance when we were trapped or hurt, but when the tables are turned you just get to wash your hands of the whole thing?! Roll over and die and to Hell with what you… with WHO you leave behind?! Fucking hypocrite!"

Raph can feel the rage building into a lump in his throat and his eyes begin to sting.

 _He was just going to lay there and die?! With no regards to our family, with no thought about what this will do to us… to me?!._

"You better explain this to me Fearless because from where I'm sitting none of this makes sense."

Nothing.

"Speak up, Leo." _Say something…_

Lips part exposing red stained teeth.

"I need you to tell me WHY?!" _say something…_

A small damp cough. More blood.

"Just let me take you home, just say the word and I'll take you home…" _Say something…._

But Leo just stares.

It's all being washed away, Leo'his blood, his life, life as Raphael knows it, all of it being washed away. Raph has an irrational moment where he thinks he can cup his hands and gather it like the falling rain. Keep it from slipping away.

"Please, Leo… please."

Raph's harsh pleas begin drowning in his throat as a sob escapes his lips and he chokes. Leo looks at his brother through heavy-lidded eyes and Raph holds his breath as he slowly blinks. When they open again Raph watches them struggle to focus, the pupils dilating and contracting in a way that seems unnatural. Raph thinks Leo's crying, but with such a heavy drizzle pouring down it's hard to tell.

"Raph…?" _Mikey._

Raph hears his younger brothers as they come up behind him, the soft crunch of gravel in a familiar pattern he would recognize anywhere.

He doesn't turn to look at them, he won't turn to look at them, he won't take his eyes off Leo. Raphael doesn't know how long he's been kneeling there begging Leonardo to speak to him, to hold on. It feels like hours, but that can't be right. It's long enough to know that this is a defining moment, the moment he loses his older brother. The realization that neither of his younger brothers have moved to help Leo causes his guts to twist. Don knows, he knew the minute he saw their brother lying there.

Leo's lips start to move, and Raph leans closer to listen, but nothing escapes out of his brother's mouth. Nothing, except more blood as it bubbles to the surface and cascades down the sides of his face and chin.

 _He's choking_!

Raph can see the panic build in his brother's eyes as he can feel the panic rising in his own chest.

"Don't you dare, I'm not gonna give won't give up on you, Fearless, so don't you dare give up on me! Just say something!"

 _Tch, stupid Raphael, what good is that going to do? Why am I kneeling here in the rain begging my brother to hold on, to speak, as if all he needs to do is say something and that will somehow make all of this go away?_

Raph let a small, shuttering sob slip from his beak.

 _I need him to say something because… because I know this is my fault. This whole nightmare is my fault, and I want my big brother to tell me everything is going to be ok._

"Leo..."

There is a strange, wet, gravely sound that causes Raph to look down to Leo's hand, lying at his side. Raph watches in numb fascination as Leo drags his nails against the rough surface of the roof, clenching and releasing his fist in sickeningly jerky movements. After a moment Raphael can't stand that sound anymore, lashing his hand out to grab his brother's, lifting it off the ground, squeezing it hard. A gurgling sound brings his eyes back to Leo's face and he realizes it's going to have to be him who says something, because Leo physically can't. The blue and purple mottled skin on his throat, the strange bulging and swelling, Raph was certain his brother's windpipe was severely damaged if not outright crushed. Besides, his brother is not the one who needs to be comforting him. After all, Raph isn't the one dying.

He needs to let Leo know that they can do this without him. Give him some peace, knowing he's not leaving his family defenseless. Raph swallows the sickness that burns in his throat and prepares to say what needs to be said. He prepares to tell his big brother goodbye.

"I…" he pauses because his own voice startles him. It sounds so raw, so small. Leonardo's eyes refocus, his brow knits together and Raph can feel Leo waiting for him to continue. At this moment it feels like the whole damn world is waiting, everything holding its' collective breath, waiting for what Raph will say.

"I would have followed you… anywhere. I know I'm stubborn and sometimes that got in the way, but I want you to know that I would have followed you anywhere, to the ends of the earth… Hell, even Jersey."

Leo's grip on Raph's hand tightens and the red clad turtle opens his eyes, he didn't even realize he had closed them. The panic in the dying turtle's eyes had subsided even though he was still struggling to breath, as more blood continues to flood his lungs. Rivulets of red drip out of the corners of his mouth in a steady flow. He swallows hard and gags, a horrible wet sound rattles in his chest but he never lets his gaze leave Raphael's. Before he can contain it, words start falling from Raph's mouth much like the blood falling from his brother's.

"I'm sorry. I didn't get to you fast enough.; I should have tried harder to reach you. I should have tried harder to listen to you, swallow my damned pride and just listened to you. I know it may not seem like it, but I love you. You're my big brother and I don't want to do this without you."

Raph lets out a sob, his chin quivers and his voice grows quiet and broken.

"Watashi wa anata wo aishite imasu, oniisan. Douka, watashi wo sutenai de kudasai."

Concern flashes over Leo's features and Raph realizes that he's not being very reassuring, but he can't seem to stop _._

 _I can't let him go without knowing how I feel._

Raph starts to open his mouth to speak again when Leo's grip begins to tremble. The three brothers watch helplessly as their leader's body begins to struggle from the lack of oxygen, twisting in an agonizing display of desperation. Leonardo's breath comes out in sloppy gasps splattering small streaks of red across Raphael's face. Leo's eyes dart from Raph to their younger brothers who hover in the background, too afraid of this reality to come any closer. Leo's pleading eyes are desperate and a moment of understanding washes over Raphael. He knows exactly what Leo is trying to convey as if he were speaking out loud. Guilt colors Leo's face when he realizes Raph understands. Leo knows the heavy burden he is placing on Raph's shoulders; it's the same one that was placed on him just a few short years ago. Raphael leans forward and places his forehead against Leonardo's, lifting their entwined hands to his chest.

"I'll be there, I won't fail, I'll step up; nothin' will happen to 'em so long as I draw breath. Yakusoku suru."

Leonardo closes his eyes briefly in a moment of relief. Raph holds his breath, afraid his brother's eyes won't open again, but they do. He becomes painfully aware of how still his brother has suddenly become. The only things that seem to have any life left are Leo's eyes, wide and bright as he stares up at Raph. Suddenly Leo's strong stare grows confused, then fearful, his grip on Raphael's hand slackens. Raph gasps as something deep in his brother's eyes sparks, then grows dim. Leo's pupils expand to an unnatural size leaving only a small rim of blue around black, empty. His body gives a sudden jerk that causes Raph to sit up and cry out; whether it's a cry of surprise or realization he doesn't know. A damp sigh slips out from between Leonardo's lips and lingers in red foam; then the world is silent.

 **Authors notes**

The phrases in Japanese are as follows (Roughly):  
 _Watashi wa anata wo aishite imasu, oniisan. Douka, watashi wo sutenai de kudasai – "_ I love you, big brother. Please, do not leave me."

 _Yakusoku suru –_ "Promise"

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, there will be more to follow but I don't want to make any timeline promises. I already have the rough draft of the second chapter, so hopefully it will be out within the next month. I welcome constructive dialogue and critiques, I'm trying to dust off the cobwebs so to speak and would appreciate honest feedback.


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